Aminals

in jurassic park, the older sister (is it lexy?) panics at, well, several points, but at one of them she regresses to a 4 year old child and shrieks "aminals!" it reminds me of one of my classmates in high school screaming "ohmygod it's a waps!" at top volume. oh, the horror.

now, aminals and i have flexible relationships, each to varying levels of success. my cat, for example, is ornery and stubborn, and yet generally obeys my commands. miles, on the other hand, is needy and sweet and a bit of an exhibitionist with most people, but unless he's desperate i do not exist. my turtle equates my presence with food.

in a zoo, however, i do my best to remember that these aminals are not mine, are not remotely human, are in fact locked in cages for both their protection and mine, and for all intents and purposes i am trespassing on their territory. having said that, i've still had quirky encounters:
1) zoey the elephant: in a word, angry. she hates people except for her handlers, we were told, except she finds it amusing to torture them. first she farted at us, and then she turned around to pick up rocks with her trunk and fling them over the moat. she has surprisingly good aim...we should all be grateful she's not a carnivore.

2) peaches the cockatoo: i think it is difficult to describe birds as having particularly human emotions, but i am neither bird not bird expert. this cockatoo immediately declared "I LOVE YOU!" to my companion when we walked through the door, then proceeded to jump down on her and tear at her watch and clothing and use her as a general jungle gym. peaches would only leave when bribed with a ranch dorito. she has good taste.

3) the camel: my companion shares this story at every opportunity. it was one of those drive-through safaris, you see, and while i was gradually dribbling out my food from my cup in a very democratic manner, she was hoarding it to feed to aminals at the end. she decided that the camel was worthy of feeding, and gently offered her cup out the window. said camel latched onto the cup with its teeth, tugging and pulling and drooling and pulling said companion halfway out of the car. she finally gave up, whereupon victorious camel slung back the cup like a jello shot, spat out the cup to the side and ambled on away.

4) the rheas: these birds, also in the drive-through safari, enjoy sticking their necks through open windows to get to food. once was enough....the beaks are sharp, the eyes are red, the feathers are furry-ish and black....and so driving through that section felt a bit like guerilla warfare: okay, you feed the deer...oh, alright, i'll feed the deer too, but keep an eye out...2 of them at 6 o'clock! oh wait, 3! 4! ROLL UP THE WINDOWS!!! hurry! gah, woman, don't your windows roll up faster? they're coming!! they're here!!!! THWUNK THWUNK! hahahahahaha, you missed!

5) sex. i don't know what it is, but it seems like we are privy to an uncommon amount of sex amongst aminals. perhaps we are not, but we're the only ones to talk about it. at any rate:
a) turtles: not too exciting, really. a bit silly...the shells seem difficult to maneuver.
b) porcupines: highly interesting. we were at the fort worth zoo, in a dark exhibit, and of course in dark exhibits it's the game of "where's the aminal?" and whoever finds it wins their own smug satisfaction. i don't remember who found the porcupines this time, but the sounds gave them away. besides the vocalizations there was the odd sound of bashing straw bundles together. the visual is pretty much what you would expect.
c) more cockatoos: moderately interesting. for a good 40 seconds we couldn't tell WHAT was going on....in fact, it was the telltale whine of a child, "ma, what's wrong with that bird?" that clued us in. and, of course, the mother's hasty reply: "oh, that other bird is eating it." now to be sure it looked quite unpleasant, but is that really the best the mother could come up with on the fly? now this poor child will think that cockatoos make a habit out of devouring each other.
d) ostriches: bizarre. being both bird and walking ground aminal, they mate a bit like both birds and walking ground aminals. there is a lot of flapping of wings, which stirs up a lot of dust, which you would think in the wild is dangerous. if i were a lioness i'd simply scout for dust clouds: "yup! there's one, now's our chance!"
e) lions: nothing exciting. lions are a perfectly good example where the parents of human children are more entertaining to watch than the aminals. "um, richie, don't look at the lions. they, um, are sick. yeah! and that's what animals do when they get sick." and of course little richie is GLUED to the glass window, mouth open in shock, oblivious to everything else around him. and mama nearly has her claws out trying to pry him away, bribe him with ice cream, mcdonald's, a new bike, an ipod, ANYTHING to spare her the embarrassment of having to explain the lions. and i can't help it; i have to run commentary on the lions under my breath so that mama is losing her mind between those perverted lions and that dirty human that are all probably going to turn her child into some sexual predator. it's just too funny.
f) now, all of these experiences were in the states, in various zoos and safari-thingies and pet stores. this last is from bali, in the monkey forest sanctuary. we are literally 3 feet past the sign that reads "monkey forest sanctuary" when voila! two monkeys going at it (well, one monkey, with the bottom monkey looking decidedly irritated) on the side rail. perhaps it is because these monkeys look mildly human (or at least capable of holding conversation) that i avert my eyes. i look back up to make sure i don't walk off the path and lo! male monkey sees that i am holding bananas (which i had nearly forgotten), pats female monkey on the butt as if to say, "off with you now, i'm hungry" and scuttles on over to grab a banana out of my hand. i look at my companion, thinking, should we head back now? which, in retrospect, perhaps we should have...

6) the macaques: as anyone who has seen the golden compass knows, monkeys are cute, but they are not cuddly. they aren't even friendly...there is no benevolence there. people are amazed at their fearlessness: it's because a monkey knows that it knows how to use its teeth, and a monkey knows that we do not know how to use ours, and furthermore, a monkey knows that we do not know that a monkey knows it knows how to use its teeth. a monkey also knows how to use all four limbs plus its tail, and really, what chance has a poor human against a troop of monkeys?
one of the main temples in the monkey forest sanctuary is open to the public if you wear sarongs and scarves and, of course, are respectful. i was taking a picture of my companion posing in front of the temple when a monkey crawled onto her shoulder. oh, how cute. said monkey crawled over to the other shoulder and looked down her shirt. i'm thinking that monkey must be thinking that she's hiding fruit in her shirt, because monkey is not used to seeing humans with larger chests. monkey seems disappointed in her shirt and clambers onto her head. monkey settles comfortably and begins sifting through my companion's pony tail, and i'm thinking that monkey must be thinking she's hiding fruit in her hair because it has never seen curly hair before. monkey tries to remove glasses, and tugs at headband, whereupon my companion begins to get a little stressed. then a second monkey from nowhere jumps onto her back, and this is when it gets serious. a third monkey jumps up to latch its teeth into my purse, which i really don't mind except i'm trying to figure out how to get rid of two other aggressive monkeys. i think the third monkey bites down on keys and so gives up, but the other two monkeys are really doing a number on my companion. i cannot help but think: okay, really now? we have 4 degrees between the two of us and we cannot figure out how to get rid of these stupid little things. i'm afraid to specifically antagonize the monkeys for fear they'll bite her. i sort of imitate the monkey growling face (which is quite smiley) and raise my arm and yell a bit. to be honest, i don't think it was effective in the least, but eventually both monkeys grow bored and we are left with nothing but claw marks. all's well that ends well. a caveat, however: if you're going to ubud, bali, and you visit the monkey forest sanctuary, do not buy bananas unless you REALLY want to be physical with a monkey. the signs in the sanctuary say "do not hand bananas directly to monkeys," which is quite funny considering that most monkeys will simply climb you to tear a banana directly out of your hand.

7) fruit bats: they are beautiful, and sort of cute, and a bit creepy when you can feel one flying over your head. they are so confident in their echolocation, of course, that they don't care if they miss you by a half-inch as long as they don't hit you. but the exciting bit was that when the feeder came through with fresh fruit (this exhibit, in singapore, was like a lot of open aviaries with a walkway...what is a bat aviary called?), all the bats promptly left their feeding stations to fight for new food. in the commotion, one bat spat up on my brother's shoulder. delicious!

8) spa fish: this was also in singapore. apparently there are species of fish that eat dead skin. they have been used to treat psoriasis, but in our case they were merely going to nibble on our feet and ankles...a primitive pedicure. pictures, in this case, are the best description, but suffice it to say that i spent a good 10 minutes cramped from laughter at the tickling, combined with a slight nausea if i paused to think about what was actually happening. when my brother entered the pool, though, it must've been the grand buffet at the bellagio because our feet were abandoned. i guess i'm just a mcdonald's beef-soy patty compared to his kobe beef porterhouse steak, and that's just fine with me.