my family has been overseas for the last few weeks (or months or years, depending on the family member) and today, the loneliness struck me like my cat head-butting a pillow...which is to say, not very hard, but it sure was fun to watch.
there is a sex in the city episode where maranda torments herself with the idea of dying of an accident alone in her apartment, with no one to find her until weeks later, and of no one to feed her cat. today i felt empathy with that fear, NEVERMIND the complete lack of logic behind it---i don't live alone, i have classmates and work colleagues, and my cat has an automatic feeder with 3 lbs of food just in case.
in all seriousness, what brought this to my attention was the fact that my land-line phone has not rung in 4 weeks or so, and my voicemail and answering machine are not flooded with messages beseeching an ingrate (me) to call a worried, doting mother (mom). by now there would be at least 20 messages and infinite number of calls, given that if my mother does not speak to me for 48 hours she panicks. she imagines gruesome scenarios and calls me, and my best friends, EVERY HALF HOUR...until the constant ringtones---rather like aural chinese water torture---wears me down into obedience. i used to dread the persistent repetition of the first eight bars of pachelbel's canon (my fault; i really should change that ring), but now, it would be music to my ears (HA! ok, i am officially ashamed. so ashamed that here ends this post).
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Panty Grimoire
recently i began trading the work of my gifted and talented hands in exchange for money. i speak not of organ, nor of calligraphy, nor of cooking nor even bookbinding. i speak of that glorious position known as Panty Stocker. i actually believe the true title is "sales support." in any case, i imagined it a task which i would easily master, and to tell the truth i fold panties with the best of them (or, given my many years of origami practice, perhaps i AM the best of them)....and yet the one aspect which i failed to examine, the one minute obstacle that thwarts my inevitable conquest of All Things Undergarments, is Panty Identification.
as far as i know, there is no such thing as a Panty Guide (audubon missed out on a ground-breaking opportunity). there is the VS catalogue, of course, but that seems to be more of a "various half-naked women" guide than a true Panty Guide. or three-quarters-naked women. anyways, you see the point. how can any woman fully claim her womanhood without being able to cook, do laundry, and EASILY identify and sort all manner of panties? how could i have lived so long, and WORN panties my entire life, without appreciating every quality of each individual panty species? they were all created unique, but equal, and it is their diversity that strengthens them. for example, their shapes:
string bikini
regular bikini
low-rise string, and low-rise regular, bikini
hipster
low-rise hipster
brief
high-leg brief
v-string (thong)
boy thong (a WHAT?)
thong
boy short
girl boxer
girl short
boy boxer (okay, i was just joking about these last two)
their sizes:
xs, s, m, l, xl (disappointingly straight-forward)
their material combinations:
cotton, polyester, lace, spandex, mesh etc etc.
their colors and graphics:
from sophisticated black to innocent white to blushing pink to bright-orange ruffles on the butt of cerulean plaid (i kid you not, check the next time you visit the store).
their COLLECTIONS:
this stumped me. a lot. pink, angels, sexy little things, very sexy, body by victoria, pout. er. um. since every collections has a separate panty with every single possible variable factor (oh yay, combinatorials!) that means that i should familiarize myself with approximately 203987626 different panties. in truth, i just now made up that number. in further truth, i would not be surprised if that number were entirely accurate. who would refute me?
i found myself longing for a logical categorization of all...panties, for lack of a better description. "crotch-cover" came to mind as another description, but as some panties lack crotches it is ultimately faulty. the possibility of substituting other common terms was effectively discarded because of nomenclature issues. panties it is, and this is the Partial Panty Grimoire, installment 1 (further installments pending).
1) pout: a collection formerly known as "lifestyles," geared towards the early to mid 20s demographic. therefore every panty is plastered with cupcakes and butterflies and ruffle/plaid combinations....)
2) sexy little things: slutwear. no, seriously, a superior described them to me as "avant-garde lingerie." which immediately evoked images of grossly thin women wrapped in saran wrap and newspaper and ornamented with Cheerios. but luckily the sexy little things collection is conservatively avant-garde, and the white products are quite popular with brides. this collection probably bears the most ribbon, lace trim, beads, and sequins. perfect for drag queens.
3) angels: lingerie for the innocent adult. panties in pastels, doily-type lace, lots of bows and flowers.
4) very sexy: if angels is for the innocent, very sexy is for the corrupted. animal print galore, although i can't help but wonder: who is aroused by a zebra? very sexy also has an abundance of gold ornamentation---rings, links, chain---and the combination of the two is rather like watching a zebra wear gold chain necklaces. oh, the zebra stripe print is rarely in black and white, so imagine a zebra, dyed purple, decked out in bling. this is very sexy indeed.
4) body by victoria cotton "hi-leg brief": middle eastern granny panties. by which i mean the majority of middle eastern women that enter the store make a beeline for this panty table, pointedly ignoring the mostly-naked models and suggestive lingerie leering at them from every angle. this particular panty also attracts grannies.
5) pink boy thong: a thong built solely to train preteen girls to the sensation of string up one's butt, similar to acclimating a foal to the bridle.
6) boy short, girl boxer: two separate panties, each inflicted with gender-identity confusion. these are panties, i am sad to say, that i cannot yet identify without checking the label.
so perhaps i am still yet a Page of Panties, yet i sense squire-hood not far off. my heart yearns for further mastery---oh to be a knight of knickers, or a queen of questionables, or an overlord of underwear---but i fear that to delve too much deeper into study would require too much money, and kill too many braincells, than i can afford to lose.
as far as i know, there is no such thing as a Panty Guide (audubon missed out on a ground-breaking opportunity). there is the VS catalogue, of course, but that seems to be more of a "various half-naked women" guide than a true Panty Guide. or three-quarters-naked women. anyways, you see the point. how can any woman fully claim her womanhood without being able to cook, do laundry, and EASILY identify and sort all manner of panties? how could i have lived so long, and WORN panties my entire life, without appreciating every quality of each individual panty species? they were all created unique, but equal, and it is their diversity that strengthens them. for example, their shapes:
string bikini
regular bikini
low-rise string, and low-rise regular, bikini
hipster
low-rise hipster
brief
high-leg brief
v-string (thong)
boy thong (a WHAT?)
thong
boy short
girl boxer
girl short
boy boxer (okay, i was just joking about these last two)
their sizes:
xs, s, m, l, xl (disappointingly straight-forward)
their material combinations:
cotton, polyester, lace, spandex, mesh etc etc.
their colors and graphics:
from sophisticated black to innocent white to blushing pink to bright-orange ruffles on the butt of cerulean plaid (i kid you not, check the next time you visit the store).
their COLLECTIONS:
this stumped me. a lot. pink, angels, sexy little things, very sexy, body by victoria, pout. er. um. since every collections has a separate panty with every single possible variable factor (oh yay, combinatorials!) that means that i should familiarize myself with approximately 203987626 different panties. in truth, i just now made up that number. in further truth, i would not be surprised if that number were entirely accurate. who would refute me?
i found myself longing for a logical categorization of all...panties, for lack of a better description. "crotch-cover" came to mind as another description, but as some panties lack crotches it is ultimately faulty. the possibility of substituting other common terms was effectively discarded because of nomenclature issues. panties it is, and this is the Partial Panty Grimoire, installment 1 (further installments pending).
1) pout: a collection formerly known as "lifestyles," geared towards the early to mid 20s demographic. therefore every panty is plastered with cupcakes and butterflies and ruffle/plaid combinations....)
2) sexy little things: slutwear. no, seriously, a superior described them to me as "avant-garde lingerie." which immediately evoked images of grossly thin women wrapped in saran wrap and newspaper and ornamented with Cheerios. but luckily the sexy little things collection is conservatively avant-garde, and the white products are quite popular with brides. this collection probably bears the most ribbon, lace trim, beads, and sequins. perfect for drag queens.
3) angels: lingerie for the innocent adult. panties in pastels, doily-type lace, lots of bows and flowers.
4) very sexy: if angels is for the innocent, very sexy is for the corrupted. animal print galore, although i can't help but wonder: who is aroused by a zebra? very sexy also has an abundance of gold ornamentation---rings, links, chain---and the combination of the two is rather like watching a zebra wear gold chain necklaces. oh, the zebra stripe print is rarely in black and white, so imagine a zebra, dyed purple, decked out in bling. this is very sexy indeed.
4) body by victoria cotton "hi-leg brief": middle eastern granny panties. by which i mean the majority of middle eastern women that enter the store make a beeline for this panty table, pointedly ignoring the mostly-naked models and suggestive lingerie leering at them from every angle. this particular panty also attracts grannies.
5) pink boy thong: a thong built solely to train preteen girls to the sensation of string up one's butt, similar to acclimating a foal to the bridle.
6) boy short, girl boxer: two separate panties, each inflicted with gender-identity confusion. these are panties, i am sad to say, that i cannot yet identify without checking the label.
so perhaps i am still yet a Page of Panties, yet i sense squire-hood not far off. my heart yearns for further mastery---oh to be a knight of knickers, or a queen of questionables, or an overlord of underwear---but i fear that to delve too much deeper into study would require too much money, and kill too many braincells, than i can afford to lose.
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